On The Job Training

In my current profession I have to admit I've been less than perfect. If I were employed by someone (other than a benevolent Father) and had regularly scheduled "performance reviews" I would have been fired LONG before now. 

The other day Tanya and I both agreed that each of our children should have come with their own, individually-tailored, instruction manual. It got me thinking. While I still have a lot (a WHOLE LOT) to learn, I have actually been able to pick up on a few incontrovertible facts while on the job so far:

• If you have crayons in your house you will, at least once, have crayons on your house.
• A freshly mopped floor will soon be covered with various sticky spills. Likewise, a freshly vacuumed floor will soon be host to innumerable crumbs, dirt, and rocks. 
• A potty-trained child will need to visit a store restroom at least twice.
• You will say things to your child you swore you never would.
• When you are in a hurry your child will move slower than molasses in winter.
• There will be at least one occasion where you ask yourself, "Why did I have kids?"
• If your child can get pink eye, he/she will get pink eye. And...if your child gets pink eye, you will probably get pink eye.
• Your own words will be thrown back in your face enough to convince you that you might need to stop talking to your children.
• Your clean shirt will soon have someone else's food, tears, puke, boogers, urine or poop  on it.
• You will be heard to make at least one hypocritical statement. (i.e.: "We don't hit in this house! If you hit your sister one more time I'm going to smack your rear end!")
• When you say "Don't Touch Anything!" a child will immediately want (and try) to touch everything.
• If you plan a family vacation/outing one, or all, of your children will come down with something.
• You will use the following words an inordinate number of times: Stop it, listen, come here, don't, no, because...etc.
• If you cook it, they will hate it.
• If it comes from McDonald's, they will love it.
• You will hear "Please please please please please please please please please!" more times than you can count. And you won't like it.
• There is no longer such a thing as a good nights' sleep.

There's more. I know there is. This is just one day's worth of "Murphey's Law With Kids" brought to you by your friendly neighborhood crazy mom.

Enjoy!

Oh...and wish me luck tomorrow when we start all over again!